The Latest:

Alien Prey

 A male vampire comes between two British lesbians and fills their lives with bad dialogue, fake blood and slow motion.
Alien³ Guys, when we say GAME OVER, we mean it!
Amityville 3-D Despite the 10 dozen murders that have befallen the infamous Long Island house, Tony Roberts and Tess Harper still poo-poo the legend and move into a 3-Dimentional house in a 1-Dimentional movie
Barbarella Despite being a political activist and a two-time Academy Award winning actress, Jane Fonda still can't burn this leech off her resume.
Barb Wire The movie is a total bust . . . yeah, I said it
Barn of the Blood Llama Inbred Hillbillies, menstrating bowlers, a case of writers block and recruiters for the Dhali Llama converge for a Llama funeral. Believe me, a casket for a llama is a sight to behold.
Batman & Robin "Look at zee little girly-baht"
Battlefield Earth **Insert Scientology joke here**
Bolero and Tarzan the Ape Man - NEW! I can't say much for a woman who thinks that the highest level of emotional complexity is to take her clothes off and jump out of a biplane.
The Brain That Wouldn't Die

A scientist puts his fiance's decapitated head in a pan and goes looking for a new body. Don't you DARE put that pan in the dishwasher when you're done with it.
The Bride

Sting reanimates Jennifer Beals just to have someone to talk to. Hey Sting, ever heard of a chat room!?
The Car A demonic car runs pedestrians down in the New Mexico desert and it's not even Corvair!
Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation Fluffy teddy bears help save loser kids from the forces of darkness. Nauseous critic needs help finding the pepto after being subjected to the forces of kid's movie.
Carnosaur It's pretty bad when the scariest thing in your movie is stock footage of chickens.

Christopher Columbus: The Discovery and 1492: Conquest of Paradise

 The discovery? They both suck.
Colossus and the Headhunters A volcano destroys a tiny village, the title character spends nearly the entire movie off-screen and what start out as neanderthals suddenly morph into Ancient Greeks in 4 seconds flat. Nit-picking this movie wasn't hard.
Cool As Ice Ice, I gotta word for YOUR mother!
Cool World

Ralph Bakshi attempted to create his own Who Framed Roger Rabbit but forgot a few things, like plot story, characters, narrative, continuity, structure etc. etc.
Deep Star Six Isn't there suppose to be a monster in a monster movie? Just asking.
Don't Open Til Christmas London is beseiged by a stab-happy Santa, and Scotland Yard sells out.
Dream a Little Dream I can't believe that I am old enough to remember Corey Haim and Corey Feldman before they had matching criminal records.
Exit to Eden Two cops go looking for diamond thieves on an island populated by S&M fetishists. The sight of Rosie O'Donnell in dominatrix gear is punishment enough.
Fair Game - NEW! Cindy Crawford gets shot at while battling a bizarre hygiene fetish. It's funnier than it sounds.
Fire Maidens of Outer Space Seven lethargic astronauts travel to a distant planet where they smoke and indure 38 renditions of "Strangers in Paradise".
Galaxina - NEW! Okay, we have a great looking Playboy Playmate in the movie to devert our attention from the fact that the movie has no plot. So why do we need Avery Schreiber giving birth to an alien?
Gods and Generals

At 4 hours-plus you leave with the feeling that the north and the south just talked each other to death.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch A movie so bad it should be stripped of it's roman numeral.
Hamlet Shakespeare's four hundred year old fable was made for German Television with four hundred year old production values.

Heartbeeps

 It is hard enough for most of us to understand Andy Kaufman's brand of comedy let alone why he chose to play a robot accountant.
Hellbound: Hellraiser II Hell, it seems, is a dusty, boring labyrith, but did it have to be such a dusty boring movie?
Hercules in New York Well, it was better than Raw Deal.
He-Man She-Ra Christmas Special I've said it before, I'll say it again: Just because you can make a He-Man Christmas special doesn't mean you should!
Highlander 2: The Quickening There should have been only one!
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York Talk about Attack of the Clones.
The Hunger A vampire spends all of her time playing the piano, smoking cigarettes and stuffing her ex-boyfriends in the attic. I'd love to get Dr. Phil in on this.
Independence Day Giant squids attack our planet and we respond with gridlock and a computer virus.
Jack Frost (Michael Keaton) Who knew that a holiday movie could be so aggressively, violently, painfully warm hearted. Careful you'll get burned.
Jaws the Revenge Boy, it's a good thing Michael Caine has a thick skin.
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter The messiah versus the unholy army of the night. There can be only one!
Justice League A team of second-rate super heroes fight an evil wizard for control of the weather. Look, what didn't work for the Mystery Men, it didn't work here.
Killdozer You haven't lived until you've seen a game a chicken between a man and a demonic bulldozer.
Killers from Space Aliens that look like Marty Feldman attack our planet and use Peter Graves as their spy, tonight on "Biography"
King Kong Lives . . . but the movie is as dead as a hammer.
Last House on the Left Two girls on their way to a rock concert are attacked and killed by a trio of sickos when they take a side trip to buy grass. Roger Ebert is still getting flack for recommending this.
The Legend of Boggy Creek The town of Fouke, Arkansas claims they "Dun Seed BigFut Wit'tay Own Two Eyes."
The Lift A demonic elevator makes goo out of those dumb enough to climb aboard. Would you be surprised if I told you that the movie is Dutch?
Little Indian Big City NEW! I can't say much for a movie that has it's climax when the title character takes a whiz off the Eiffle Tower.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie Syrupy sweet sixteener Hilary Duff heads off on a Roman holiday in a Rome that looks a lot like Vancouver.
Mac and Me You know you've sold out when your movie features a breakdance number at McDonalds. But when you have Coca Cola figured into the plot as a life-giving necture, well then you've sold your soul.
"Manos" The Hands of Fate A 35MM horror film totally financed by a manure salesman. That's not a joke.
Mars Needs Women Movie Needs Plot
Masters of the Universe Starts off in the magical, mystical world of Eternia, then 10 minutes later the story moves to our world to save money on the budget.
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The tagline promises that these color-coded boneheads are our country's last hope. If that's true I'm moving to Canada.
Mommie Dearest Yadda Yadda . . . wire hangers . . . Yadda Yadda
Mon Star A giant, singing ass threatens civilization and this time It's not Vanilla Ice.
Monster a Go-Go

Oh but don't I wish it would.
Naked Souls - NEW! A scientist is married to Pamela Anderson and despite the fact that she paints in the nude, he's more interested in his work . . . I think we know what that means.
Nine Deaths of the Ninja  Which is worse, the cliche of the 20 guys attacking the lone hero one at a time or the interpretive dance number that opens the film?
On Deadly Ground By God, Steven Seagal is going save the environment even if he has to blow up half of Alaska to do it.
Pearl Harbor I stopped at the line "I think World War II just started".
Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night Filmmation tried to bilk one more dime out of the public before it finally collapsed. Humanity is saved!
Project: Metalbeast Oily-haired Barry Bostwick will do anything to save his metal, werewolf thingamajig.
Psycho (1998) Hear that buzzing noise? That's Hitchcock spinning in his grave.
The Punisher (1989)
 		There has never been a more accurate title
Reefer Madness Somehow, a quack scientist in the 30s came up with the idea that marijuana use could be detected by a lack of interest in sports.
Reign of Fire In the future man has evolved to the point where they can kill dragons but has outlived the need for fingernail clippers and a bar of soap.
Resident Evil Occupent Stupid
Robot Monster Upon this altar of bad taste, Ed Wood hath wept.
Rock N Roll Frankenstein Yes, a movie exists featuring a conversation between Elvis and Liberace's penis.
Santa Claus  ¡Papá Noel traba los cuernos con el príncipe de la oscuridad mientras que pocas pesadillas de las batallas de Lupita de las muñecas que hablan de 12 pies!
Santa With Muscles Hulk Hogan gets hit on the noggen and thinks he's Santa Claus. I was actually stunned that this movie didn't have a laugh track.
The Screaming Skull A husband tries to drive his wife crazy by planting skulls around the house. The movie tries to drive us crazy by planting shot after shot of the wife's maiden-form bra.

Showgirls

 Boobies and jiggles and butts, Oh My!!
Silent Night, Deadly Night A mal-adjusted kid dresses like Santa Claus and swings a mean fire axe in a shopping mall. Didn't know they still put fire axes in shopping malls.

Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2

 Does it qualify as a sequel if 60% of the movie is recycled footage from the earlier film?
Silent Night Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out Maybe I ask too many questions. Maybe I point my questions in the wrong direction. Maybe I need a vacation.
Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initation They didn't have much of a movie to begin with. How do I know? Clint Howard got top billing.
The Skulls Joshua Jackson joins a secret society where he's given a gold watch, a sportscar and a hooker. WOW!! Where do I sign up!!!
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama It's got buckets of blood and about as much sex as cereal commercial.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace Don't get too excited, I'm actually defending it.
The Star Wars Holiday Special Special alright , Special-Ed
Street Fighter The real fight was staying awake.
The Stuff It's the Killer Yogurt movie!!!
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace We thought that after Richard Pryor this series would have nowhere to go but up? Oh how wrong we were.
Super Mario Bros. I stopped at the information that John Leguizamo was playing an Italian plumber.
Sweet November How do I hate cliches, let me count the ways . . .
Tarzan and the Lost City It's about as thrilling as an Irish Spring commercial.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III The beloved turtles final straw before Hal Saban bought them out.
Thir13en Ghosts If I want to hear irritating crashes and bangs I'll eavesdrop on my neighbors.
Tomboy A buxom autoracer proves her love by challenging her beloved to an auto race. What ever happened to dinner and a movie?
To the Limit and Skyscraper Anna Nicole Smith tries to find out who killed her husband. You can watch but only if you believe that she would marry a man that isn't even 70.
Trekkies Look, it's okay to love Star Trek . . . just don't love Star Trek
Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend
 I am less interested in tentacle porn then in those who can explain it's merits with a straight face.
Wild Wild West Will Smith steps in it . . . deep!
The Wild World of Batwoman It's six movies thrown into one blender and mixed on frappe!
Xanadu Xana-don't
Zardoz Consider that Sean Connery dons a wedding dress and chucks his new bride for distance. Um, on second thought don't.