Stars:
Barry Stokes, Sally Faulkner, Gloria Annen, Sandy Chinney.

Choice Dialogue:
* JENNIFER: "Yes to the fox! If it wasn't for the fox we wouldn't have anything to celebrate."

* ANDERS: "Kator calling command ship, send advance parties immediately. Have now established humans high in protein... ...and easy prey."

Choice Moments:
* The drowning scene in which the alien-cannibal-vampire takes up ten minutes of screentime just to give up the ghost.
* The champagne, which looks suspiciously like tapwater.

Conclusions:
* Aliens, like humans, are easily shocked when caught in the midst of sexual misconduct.
* Lesbians make love to soft easy listening music but aliens do it to DISCO!!!
* It is in your favor when you plan to drown an alien that he doesn't know what water is.
* Been cheated on? Kick a dead chicken!

Review:
Call it a dilemma that is as old as screenwriting itself. How do you bait your Alien Vampire movie with the proper cheese to draw an audience like hungry rats? The answer: You thrown in a hot and heavy lesbian subplot, that's how.

This is where I would usually say "Makes me proud to be an American" except for the fact that the movie was made in France and it would be silly to make such a statement about being an American when the film comes from France and not the USA. Oh I could have easily not told you that this was a French film and assumed that you would never ask but then you would have looked at the poster over there on the left and discovered for yourself the movie's country of origin and then you would be giving sideways glances at your computer screen and wondering what kind of misinformed dunderhead was at the other end of this review and then decided for yourself that you didn't want to read anymore of his reviews based on the simple fact that he doesn't do his homework in preparation and assumes that his readers have short attention spans and won't notice anything so piddly and meaningless anyway.

Don't give me that look, it's 3am

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, lesbians. The movie is simply three kinds of movies grafted onto one another. It's an alien invasion movie, a vampire tale and a lesbian love story. The first two seem pretty sound, the third seems to come out of nowhere.

In England, (Remember this movie was made in France) a lesbian couple Jennifer and her rather mannish lover Jo live a carefree life out in the middle of nowhere. What does that have to do with aliens? Well, basicially it means that they have no help when the invasion begins but it also means that the two get to strut around the house naked as a jaybird. In other word no, it has nothing to do with aliens.

One night a spaceship lands (oh good . . . REALITY!!) and out comes a creature who takes the form of a skinny lad that the creature easily does away with. Posing as a man named Anders Anderson (his real name is Kator) he attempts to infiltrate the house owned by our Saphic duo and make them into food for his trip home. He is a vampire cannibal as evidenced by the 300 or so shots where he bares his fangs.

The couple obviously doesn't know that Anders is an alien-cannibal-vampire and when he enters their home he causes a bit of a rift between the girls. Joe doesn't like anyone messing around with her best girl (Jennifer, we later learn, plays both sides of the fence) and especially has a problem when she figures out that Jennifer and Anders have shared the same bed. Why is Jennifer a bisexual? Well because if she weren't then we would be spared some gratuitous sideways mambo shared by Jenn and Anders shortly before he nibbles her neck - the hard way. Anders and Jo discuss the problem when Jo tries to bury the hatchet - In his head!! That rather dubious negotiating tactic fails when Jo is killed by Anders who makes a meal out of her too.

Then there's some business about an old boyfriend of Jennifer's named Simon who we surmise was done away with by the jealous Jo but the movie forgets that in order to get to some very silly business involving the last words of Wally the talking parrot. Believe me, the less said about this . . . the better.

The word "weird" doesn't begin to describe it, but for your sake I haven't really begun to describe it either. Just start with the information that it's a French production, set in England with an English cast and then dubbed into French (at least when I saw it). If you consider this and the fact that that no audience would have ever been drawn to the movie this deadbeat without the graphic lesbian love story, you have to ask yourself: Did they really have a choice?