Stars:
Clive Barker, David Boone, Connie Campbell, Kirk Hunter

Choice Dialogue:
* DHALI LLAMA GOON: "When you ask for something as special as a brain even Buddha is going to give you the run around."

* TONI: "Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?"

Choice Moments:
* That Llama casket, shaped . . . like a llama!
* The presence of that weird guy wearing an eyepatch with a ping-pong ball attached to it.
* In general, the whole movie.

Conclusions:
* Llama's don't spit saliva, they spit silly string.
* Writer's block is a curable disease.
* When a llama is hit by a car, it will develope rigor mortis seconds before the impact.
* Your juggular vein is actually in your index finger.
* It is not uncommon to take a long road trip just to get your bowling ball waxed.
* It is commonplace for a llama to receive a viking funeral.

Review:
Think of it as the best movie to ever come out of Dripping Springs, Texas.

I have made a conscious effort to avoid films that I brought to the Brokedown Halloween special last year, but being that this year’s party is dedicated to the weird, I just couldn’t resist returning to Barn of the Blood Llama. It has been two full years since I bore witness to this unholy mess and my brain still hasn’t shaken loose the horrors within. It is probably in my best interest that a copy of the film is not to be found anywhere because the effects can be quite damaging.

All I can tell you is that I have seen it twice and I know that another viewing wouldn’t help me understand this movie any further. But, you know, I don’t think that the movie was ever meant to make any sense. The plot lays in about six different pieces stitched together like a failed Frankenstein experiment.

The movie is in about six different pieces all haphazardly stitched together into one insane monstrosity. One involves a pair of nutzy inbred hillbilly brothers named Jug and Gibby who own a Llama farm named "The World 'O Wool". Now, just from that description you might think that there are some tributes to Deliverance and a new definition of "animal husbandry" is just waiting to be noted. Well there are, but I'll spare you the details and move on.

The farm includes a research facility run by a certain Dr. Albert who has a fondness for a certain Blessie Sue (one of the farms attractions) and he is overtaken with grief when his beloved is struck by a passing motorist on the day that he and Blessie are to be wed (a casket built for a dead llama has to be seen to be believed). The motorist is Toni, a likable city girl who spends most of the movie waiting for her car to be fixed (actually she's being set up as bait). Toni issues my favorite bit of dialogue: "Does everything in Texas spit toxic cud?"

Also into this mess comes Bock a rockstar/songwriter on a comeback tour who comes to Dr. Albert so the doc can cure his case of writer's block. He is accompanied by three bimbettes Janet, Bea and Tiffany who are promised a part in his new video. After all the introductions are made, it is revealed to us what the doc's experiment includes: He is creating genetically enhanced llamas who have one fatal flaw in that they go crazy when in the presence of menstrating women. Please don't ponder that as long as I did, it will give you an excruciating case of eye strain.

With this element in place, you can bet your bottom dollar that one of Bock's strumpets will flower into womanhood right there on the farm. This causes a very strange (not to mention long) killing spree as the beloved llamas go about killing anything that moves. It's that bad!

I'm not absolutely certain what this movie is suppose to be about, nor do I understand the presence of three women on their way to the bowling alley who stop by the farm to get their balls waxed. Nor can understand why the movie shifts back and forth between color and black and white. Nor can I understand the presence of a man with a ping-pong ball attached to his eye-patch. Nor can I understand the presence of reps from the Dali Llama selling canned brains and helpfully offering that "When you ask for something as special as a brain even Buddha is going to give you the run around."

Your brain cannot comprehend this movie. You can't begin to understand the mental knots that this movie can tie in your brain. But you can rest easy in the knowledge that you've never seen this movie and you can be smarter than I was an avoid it at all costs. I wasted two hours on this movie, two hours at which I could have been furthering the fulfillment of my own life. Two hours, gone up in smoke. Excuse me, I have to got jump off a bridge.