By Jerry Roberts
October 6, 2002

Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" was the first true horror novel, a brilliant mixture of 18th century hautiness slammed headlong into the unwise act of playing God. The style mingled with the horror were the key and without them you have . . . well, you have The Bride.

The Bride is a labored, snooze-inducing effort to turn The Bride of Frankenstein into a sympathetic Merchant/Ivory-esqe production and style it up to sell to the MTV crowd. The problem is that it isn't any more interesting then what you had for dinner last night.

The movie takes place sometime after Dr. Frankenstein (Sting) has forgotten that his creature (played here by Clancy Brown) threw a child into the lake and thus has pulled his electrodes out of mothballs. Why? Because his creature is starting to feel the itch for some female companionship.

Then the creature gets upset that the process is taking too long and destroys the lab just as his bride is beginning to wiggle. Not realizing that Dr. Love Connection has just completed building Jennifer Beals, the creature runs away and hangs around with a circus midget (David Rappaport).

Completely forgetting that his creature might come back at any given moment to reclaim his bride, the Absent Minded Professor decides to claim this little philly for himself and names her Eve. He's made lots of vast improvements over Version 1.0 including removing all of her stitches without a single scar. He tries to teach her the ways of 19th century etiquette, fashion, fine dining and social graces in scenes that will likely bore you into a coma.

The scenes between the creature and Rinaldo the midget are kind of touching (in a petting a bullfrog sort of way) as the two make off with the circus and become bosom buddies. Rinaldo even gives the creature a name - Viktor. How ironic.

Then Viktor suddenly remembers that he was about to get a bride. This comes as a shock when we discover - now get this - they are linked, psychically. Ooooooooooookay!! This leads to the inevitable as Viktor returns to claim his bride and one thing leads to another and I can't remember the end of the film because I kept falling asleep.

What it boils down to is MTV does gothic horror. It is made in the style of a music video stretched on for 120 minutes and it's agony getting through them. The movie is like dinner with your least interesting relatives.

Don't stop by this castle, there's no life here.

1. Thou shalt realized that reanimated women can be just as lifeless reborn as they were when they were dead.

2. If thouest be very tall and an outcast, rest assure that thou shalt spend they days covorting with someone who is very short and an outcast.

3. A body can and will be reanimated but with no scarring.

4. Those who reside in the house of dullards shall become dullards themselves.

5. Once-eth and MTV star, always-eth and MTV star.