Stars:
Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones.

Conclusions:
* Due to sagging business Scotland Yard has installed a rotating sign outside their office.
* Shoving your face into a chestnut roaster turns your skin into caramel.
* CAUTION: Dead Santas can be flammable.
* One establishing shot is enough, fourteen is just bad comedy.
* Blood gushes from the neck like a super-soaker with the trigger taped down.

Review:
Is there some therapy group somewhere that includes people who have a hell-bent hatred toward Santa Claus? If there is, I have a feeling that the bulk of the group is made up of those responsable for "Don't Open Till Christmas".

"Don't Open til Christmas" is the flipside of "Silent Night Deadly Night", this time about a killer wearing a clear plastic mask and making sure that all feux Santas are roasted on an open fire. To keep the slayings at a certain level the filmmakers disguise their joy for killing Kris Kringle by having all the Santas do things that Santa shouldn't do (drinking, smoking, watching a peep show, etc.), no doubt at the urging of the therapist.

The movie takes place in London and begins with a Santa getting ready for a society party and grousing "I look like a gay queen". Just to make sure that he indeed does look like a gay queen, his best friend walked in an comments "You look like a gay queen". Believe it or not, the comedy makes up the scariest bits of this movie.

We know that this Santa isn't longed for this world since one of the party guests arrives carrying a large spear. Why did no one question why one of the party guests is carrying a spear? I dunno maybe it's a performance art crowd. Santa gets Abe Lincoln'd with the spear and then we get to the opening credit sequence that is simply baffling. The joyful sounds of Jingle Bells on a music box is accompanied by a slowly burning paper Santa (somewhere a Santa-hater is giggling).

Cut to the funniest shot in the entire movie, a shot of Scotland Yard with one of those tri-sided rotating signs. The point is to establish that we are at Scotland Yard but we get that same establishing shot EVERYTIME we cut back there - no less than fourteen times I counted. Guys! We get it!

After a sidewalk Santa is shoved into a chestnut roaster, we get to some business about daughter of the Spearhead Santa helping Scotland Yard track down the killer. The scenes are a snore and the filmmakers know this because several times during the dialogue the movie inadvertantly shifts to a quick Santa slaying just to keep us awake.

Snoozy is the word for the peep show scene in which Santa goes in to watch the show put on by a woman credited as "The Experienced Dancer". I'm not sure what that means but I'll be it has nothing to do with how long she's worked there. Anyway after a long, veeeeeery long conversation between Santa and the girl about the virtues of being naughty, she jiggles for a minute before the killer paints the peep show booth with Kringle blood. No mention is ever made again of this Santa, the girl, the peep show or the scene in general. I'm sure the actress who had to endure such line readings as "Hey Santa wanna see my milk and cookies" would probably be happy if no one ever mentioned it again. Sorry honey, I gotta job to do.

The movie closes on a baffling note (not surprising because that's where it started) when Scotland Yard pins down the Santa Slayer and drills five million holes in the guy despite the fact that his last victim put a knife in his stomach.

It is then that it is revealed to have all been a dream as the killer's brother wakes up and finds a present by his bedside. When he opens it, he finds a dancing Santa that promptly explodes in slow motion as the credits begin to roll.

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I don't make note of the things that I liked about this movie. Okay, well um, let's see, what did I like about this movie? Well it was in color and, ah, it was in focus most of the time. I guess that's high praise.