Stars:
Arnold Strong (Schwarzenegger) and a bunch of careers that went nowhere.

Choice Dialogue:
* HERCULES (referring to money): "Bucks? Doe? What is all this zoological talk about male and female animals?

* SHIP'S CAPTAIN : "Sir?"
* HERCULES: "No need to call me sir, I'm democratic"

Choice Moment:
* Zeus, sick of his son's belly-aching, hurls a lightening bolt at him. Actually it's a rebar * wrapped in tin foil and bent into a zig-zag.
* Herc wrestles with a grizzly bear in central park. Actually it's a guy in a moth-eaten bear suit who has the strength of a flea circus.

Conclusions:
* Greek gods don't necessarily fight, they just chuck their opponents for distance.
* A cab ride from Long Island to Central Park is only two bucks.
* I don't care if he IS Arnold, that twitchy man-boob thing is still creepy.

Review:
Well, it's better than Raw Deal.

Every time I see Jane Fonda looking for a way to dodge the subject of Barbarella, I just want to jump up and remind her to thank her lucky stars that she never wrestled a guy in moth-eaten a bear suit. Such is not the case for Arnold Schwarzenegger whose response to his film debut, Hercules in New York might be “Vell I Haad to Staht Sum-ve-ah”

The movie is bad, really bad, painfully bad, brain numbingly bad. Not Steven Segal bad but its bad. In the movie the former Mr. Universe and future Governer of California (billed Arnold Strong because no one could pronounce his name) plays Hercules who hangs out with his dad Zeus in a Mount Olympus that looks likes a rather dull tennis club.

You can accept Arnold as Hercules because of his physique, but all credibility is lost when he opens his mouth. What comes out isn't his much-imitated Austrian accent but a badly dubbed voice-over. This was 1970 and Arnold had just come over from Austria and when he found work in this movie, his accent was so thick that the producers decided to use a voice over that sounds like something out of “Thunderbirds”. The result is . . . awkward.

Anyway, Herc gets bored hanging around the perfectly geometric gardens of Olympus (I would too, all they do is sit around and eat grapes) so he asks dear old dad for a little vacation. Zeus responds with a chuckle, a twinkle and an attempt to kill Herc with a cardboard lighting bolt (Keep that in mind the next time you put in for a vacation). The bolt doesn’t kill Hercules but sends him to New York.

The rest of the movie is just your average California Governor-Out-of-Water tale in which Hercules just happens to run into every opportunity to show off his Olympian skills. In Central Park he just HAPPENS to be there when a team of carriage horses runs amock. Walking by the University he just HAPPENS to see a bunch of athletes training for the '72 Olympics and decides to show them a thing or two (Lord KNOWS what he'll do in office). In Central Park he just HAPPENS to be there when a grizzly bear breaks out the zoo. Herc does away with the beast which is a real bear when he comes out of the bushes but is a guy in a $1.49 bear suit when Arnold body tackles him.

As if Arnold's presence in the movie isn't enough, the producers decided to saddle him with a sidekick. He's a rather meek, annoying little fellow with an annoying voice named Pretzi (so called because he sells pretzels). I tried to imagine the logistics of being named after your professions. I work at the place that sells video games and by that my name would be . . . Gamey! Thanks but no thanks.

Anyway the movie fuses Arnold with an irritating sidekick and then adds some business about Prezti wanting to turn Hercules into a wrestling star. Unfortunatly it is just moments before his title bout that Zeus learns of his son's earth-bound activities and strips him of his powers. Well, Herc learns that power lies between his ears as the movie unexpectedly flings a moral lesson into the mix because, well, knowing is half the battle.

As I sat watching this film I couldn't help but contrast it with Arnold's recent rise to become the Governer of California. Paramount on my mind was why Grey Davis chose Arnold's sexual activities as a method of discrediting him when a mere mention of this movie would have sent Arnold running and screaming all the way back to Austria.