Stars:
Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston

Choice Dialogue:
* My balls are freezin! I never thought I'd say THAT with a smile on my face.
* But Dad? Did you just call me Butt Dad? I ought to make you Butt Boy.
* A snowdad is better then no dad.
* Mac! Mac, wake up! Chester just peed on a live snowman!
* I am the wizard of blizzard!

Choice Moment:
* Out of nowhere the snowman dad tells his son "I have to go" but never explains why or where he's going

Conclusions:
* Breast jokes that involve snowmen can't be made funny, especially when they become a running gag.
* Harmonicas are really just very small snow-blowers.
* A computer animated snowman is just plain creepy.

Review:
The closing credits inform us that "No snowmen were harmed in the making of this film". No one seems concerned about the wellfare of the audience.

Jack Frost is the holiday movie equivalant of assault and battery. It hits you over the head with a lame premise then spends it's running time punching you repeatedly with cliche after cliche until you are rendered unconcious and your sense of good taste is bruised and bloody. Too much? Just wait.

The movie was dead on arrival at the concept stage, the story of an absent dad (Michael Keaton) who dies on Christmas Eve (coincidentally just at the moment he realizes he's been a putz) and comes back to life - say it with me! - One Year Later!! He does not come back in the form of Michael Keaton but rather in the form of a creepy looking snowman who can walk and talk and move and use every holiday movie cliche in the book, pulling and manipulating us and hoping that we will laugh and cry on cue like a pack of Pavlov's dogs. Am I being too dramatic? I've seen the film, I deserve to be bitter! Shut up!

Anyway, the centerpiece of the film is suppose to be the snowman but the movie sinks under the realization that this is the crappiest snowman one could have created with animatronics and computer animation. It looks like the cross-breeding of Rosie O'Donnell and Winston Churchill, thank God it didn't mix those two personalities. The snowman's mouth flaps up and down and it moves awkwardly in a way that just gives you shivers.

It is Keaton's son Charlie who brings his father back to life via a magical harmonica (eye roll) given to him moments before the fatal car crash. There is no explanation of the harmonica, the snowman, the afterlife or the possibility of a rise in the temperature. The snowman gimmick is a clothesline on which to hang such human dilemmas as the school bully and the cruel hockey coach. Missing from the cliche handbook are the nosey neighbor, the Most Popular Girl in School, the sassy black kid and the line "You've got to stop imagining things".

Watching the film you would be led to believe that Keaton had a great time with lines like "My balls are freezin! I never thought I'd say THAT with a smile on my face." even though you can picture him behind the microphone rubbing his temples. You can also imagine him after the recording session having a fierce screaming match with his agent and a not-so-happy hour at the bar.

Somehow into this chaos comes Henry Rollins and Dweezle and Moon Unit Zappa. Also on hand are ear-splitting songs from Hanson's cover of "Gimmie Some Lovin'" to The Spice Girls' cover of "Sleigh Ride". Yeah, it's that bad.

When it's all over, you are left with the stinging feeling that you've been slapped and kicked and punched in the face by an avalanche of phony good feelings and holiday cheer. And unlike George Bailey, you won't be happy that your mouth is bleedin'.