May 15, 2003

First of all, get off my case.

I already know that I am not the prime target for this movie. I've seen one episode of "The Lizzie McGuire Show" but I still wanted to view the movie from an outsider's point of view. What I found was an experience so sugary sweet that it helps me understand why theater floors are sticky.

The movie isn't much of a surprise to anyone who is old enough to be familiar with Clearasil. Lizzie graduates from junior high school and goes off on a whirlwind tour of Rome with a dreamy Italian pop star, becomes a media sensation and gets to sing a number at the Italian Music Video Awards. If this sounds like a lame plot to you then congratulations your instincts are intact.

The story is beside the point. The movie is geared as a transition for Tween-Queen Hilary Duff from the star of her much worshipped show on The Disney Channel to her status as the next Britney Spears (not exactly the highest stratosphere one could reach for).

Those of us with a thought in our heads watch this movie and are drawn to ask one inevitable question: Where in the world is the school where a girl as beautiful as Hilary Duff is considered an underdog? And are we to believe that someone who glows in the dark as she does would suffer from a severe case a stage fright?

That is a backward-compliment way of saying that Duff's pre-bombshell radiance is the only reason you keep watching "The Lizzie McGuire Movie". You watch even though you know that it is little more than a pre-sweetened fable designed for those who freebase Pixie Stix.

As with most big-screen treatments, TLMM inflates this product to the point where even the whimsy of the TV series seems bloated. Lizzie's anxiety and frustrations are commented on by her animated alter ego who is the best part of the movie but unfortunately comes in small two second bits.

The movie's class trip to Rome offers little more than a clotheslines to hang the plot in which Lizzie sneaks off on her own and lives out the ultimate teen girl fantasy (I guess). That adventure is given to her by Paolo, a dreamy Italian Pop Star with David Cassidy's hair, Andy Gibb's wardrobe and Donny Osmond's dental hygiene (I sense somewhere that a circle is now complete).

Paolo is suppose to be a charming Italian but as played by Yani Gellman, (a native of Florida) he's about as charming as a paper sack. I don't know much about Gellman as an actor except to say that his previous movie role was in Jason X as a character named Stoney (Yeah, I know).

He takes Lizzie on a tour of Rome where we get to see blurry images of famous historical landmarks over the backs of their heads, which are, strangely enough, clearly in focus.

Twice in this movie we get a montage of stuff that looks vaguely Roman. First is upon Lizzie's arrival in town as she sees the city out the bus window but it's one of those cut and paste jobs where we get 12 images of Rome and maybe 122 images of Lizzie looking out the window. The second time is on the back of Paolo's motorscooter where Lizzie gasps at the sight of one of the most beautiful cities in the world and can't think of anything better to say then, "This is totally awesome!" She reminds me of my cousin who spent two weeks in Rome and came back with 10 roles of film of her friends in front of McDonald's.

It is only after the cut-rate montage of Roman thingies that Paolo tells Lizzie that she is a dead ringer for his erstwhile singing partner Isabella (also played by Duff) and that she should sing a duet with him at the Italian Music Video Awards posing as Isabella. With that, he takes her to the theater so he can give her a crash course in fake singing. This leads me to ask the obvious: Is there anyone on the face of this planet who would ever need lessons in lip-syncing? (Insert Milli Vanilli joke here).

Paolo plots to destroy Isabella's career by turning on Lizzie's mike during the show so that the audience will think that Isabella can't sing. The real Isabella finds out about this half-witted plan and shows up backstage during the show and makes a fool out of Paolo so that she and Lizzie can sing a duet together. In other words, the movie gets rid of Paolo so Duff can sing a duet with herself!

What I can't figure out is why the committee that organized the award show only admitted people into the audience who can speak English. In fact, no one in the movie speaks Italian. In fact, none of the actors in the movie are from Italy. In fact, you know what? Italy looks a lot like Vancouver!