by Jerry Roberts

August, 18, 2002

As a movie, as a television show and as an action figure line Masters of the Universe is an exercise in pure commerce. But for those of us who bother day-to-day to have a thought in our heads, the rub remains to figure out why a cheap looking movie based on a cheap looking cartoon show (which in itself was based on a cheap looking toy line) got so blasted popular. In that, I may have answered my own question but I theorize that beyond lots of colorful characters and a huge toyline, Masters of the Universe is so underwritten that you can mass produce lots of stuff without having to concieve of anything new. Kid's merchandise is less of a hassle when you don't have to worry about details.

This is a practice that is carried over into this lousy movie. He-Man could have been played by any of the contestants in last year's Mr. Universe competition but the plum goes to the king of non-actors Dolph Lundgren whom I have been bashing for years and likely will continue to for years to come. His performance in Rocky IV in which he stood silent with his chin out, was the height of his talent.

He-Man (a character not a million miles removed from Conan the Barbarian) is locked in a sword-clanking battle with Skeletor over the planet Eternia. But who would want it? It's dark, ugly and seems to be under the constant threat of bad weather.

Somewhere under Skeletor's godawful make-up job is Frank Langella but you would never know it. Skeletor is a skeletal creature but his skull looks like a painted plastic mask that you get at the drug store. It's not just bad, it's aggressivly bad. He looks like Jack Palance with leporacy.

Anyway He-Man and his buds and Skeletor and his crew are transported to earth via a cosmic key (which looks like a failed invention that was suppose to improve your golf game) invented by a dwarf named Gwildor. He was suppose to transport them to another planet but a glitch in the key sent them here. Having been hit by a limited budget, the filmmakers forgo having them land on a new world and set them down in modern day . . . America somewhere. This is so they won't have to come up with a new set (probably because no good technical artists would go near this mess). That's when two young kids (one of them Courney Cox in her film debut) find the key and mistake it for something Japanese.

That's about all I can say about the plot because that's really all you need to know . . . well, okay there's a conflict at the end between He-Man and Skeletor, there I've told you the entire movie. Ya happy?

It has come to my knowledge reading online reviews that Masters of the Universe (as amazing as this sounds) has picked up a minor cult following. I don't know much about this cult but for a cult that would follow a movie this bad I would be willing to bet that there are robes and chants and mass marriages involved.