April 28, 2004

Someone asked me why I’m so rough of Dolph Lundgren. “What do you mean” I asked suddenly remembering that in the past I have tagged him with nicknames like “The Stoic Swede”, “The Cardenal of Cardboard” and “Dr Woodenstein”. Having sat through Rocky IV, Red Scorpion and I Come in Peace, my answer to the question would be: I’m rough on him because he gives the same performance in every movie. Or to put it bluntly, He occupies all of his films with the same sullen presence of inactivity using an acting talent that ranges from stoic to stoic with more lighting. There, I feel better.

Having said that I am more or less unreceptive to anything that happens in The Punisher.

The Punisher is a squalid Rambo wannabe, a hackneyed comic book adventure that was rushed into release early in 1989 to cash in on the advanced publicity for Batman. I didn’t have much faith in the film when I first heard that director Mark Goldblatt eliminated The Punisher’s trademark skull logo because it looked too “comic book-ish” (Heavens no!)

As a comic book, The Punisher is pretty heavy stuff. Frank Castle was a Vietnam Vet (here a former cop) whose family was wiped out by mobsters. Now legally declared dead, Frank as The Punisher strikes back at the scum of the earth with a wink, a smile and 40,000 rounds of ammunition that seem to appear out of nowhere. He’s a one-man wrecking crew who declares himself judge, jury and executioner to wipe out crime – darn it – even if he has to destroy six city blocks to do it. In short, he’s a pumped up, pissed off knock off of Batman.

The Punisher (for those of us who only know him from this movie) apparently carries a grudge the size of a medicine ball and, based on his activities, seems to have lost his mind. After a gruesome opening in which The Punisher lays down some lead spreadin’ justice we’re treated to his usual off-duty routine: He lives in the sewer, strolls around naked and whines at God. The carnage that opens the film wasn’t half as shocking as the lingering moonlit shots of Dolph’s bare butt (Ahhh, no Marion, keep your eyes shut!!). The fact that it’s slathered with motor oil only deepens the horror. Worse? It was at the moment when the camera focused on his moonbeam glutes that I began to ponder where he keeps his arsenal of weapons that he seems to produce from nowhere.

Moving along swiftly!!

The Big Guy has a grudge against law breakers but watching this movie you kinda get the idea that he has a grudge against anything that can take a bullet hole: Mobsters, Henchmen, Grunts, Muggers, Panda Bears, Slot Machines and of course Innocent Bystanders (who were probably thinking bad thoughts so it’s okay).

In between there’s some hemming and hawing about some business involving the weakening status of the local mob due to The Punisher’s insistence on making turning them into swiss cheese. Needless to say Dolph is a hunted man which proves that the movie is the perfect fantasy because, after all, he certainly isn’t in Hollywood.