Stars: Hulk Hogan, Robin Curtis, Ed Begley, Jr.

Review:
It goes without saying that when the name Hulk Hogan appears in a film's credits the credibity factor plummets like a stone. Hogan, in his film career has a reputation for taking any and every flotsome comedy that his agent can get him into. That lack of restraint has left the world with Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando and No Holds Barred. Gee Hulk, what did we ever do to you?

Admittedly, Hogan's presence in the wrestling ring worked because he knew how to get his audience on his side, he knows how to work a crowd. His acting range is limited but not so limited as the movies that he appears in. Heck, these movies are beneath Pauly Shore!

Santa With Muscles such a movie, a brainless comedy that is so bad that at one point it employs a "waa waa" sound after a bad joke. That's not the only dusty old cliche that the movie drags out of the attic, I haven't gotten to the plot yet.

Ed Begley Jr. is Ebner Frost, a wild-haired billionaire not a million years removed from Howard Hughes (from St. Elsewhere down to this, Ed don't soil the environment with anymore movies) has taken over the local orphanage. Cute little 'ol tyke Elizabeth writes a letter to Santa that a meanie for help.

How far into that last paragraph did you get before your mouth was agape? Just wait . . .

Little Elizabeth's letter does not end up in the dead letter office or even in the court room, it lands in the very large hands of billionair Blake Thorne (guess who) who decides to take matters into his own hands.

Now, in a manner too long (or rather too stupid) to explain, Thorne gets into a game of paintball, ends up being chased by a cop (played by Ron Howard's brother) and ends up in a mall. In the mall, he disguises himself in a Santa Suit.

In the name of humanity, I would love to stop here but my therapist tells me that venting is a good thing. I shudder to tell you that Thorne ends up getting hit on the head, that he thinks he really is Santa Clause. I wish that I were lying when I tell you that those are the worst things that happen in the film but I'm not finished yet, oh no. Thorne's delusion that he is Santa Claus becomes the opportunity of a lifetime for Lenny, Thorne's elf. He decides to partake of Thorne's bank account.

But thats still not the lowest point in the movie. No the single most shameless scene belongs to little Elizabeth who has a mournful musical number in honor of her dead mother. If it is possible to bring this movie to a standstill, this movie does it in song.

I have to stop here with only the information that the whole plot winds down to department store fistfights and a trip to a cave filled with magic crystals. Okay, okay, I'm shutting up now.